Thinking bout friendship...

(and yes, I know it's a topic that gets a lot of press - too bad. It's my blog.)


When I was in elementary school, maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, I had a friend named Doug. Now, I don't really remember what Doug looked like, except that he was kind of pudgy. Anyway, I invited Doug over to play. Nowadays I guess people call them playdates, but at any rate, this involved his mother driving him over to our house for a Saturday afternoon. We played outside, as best as I can remember, probably cowboys and Indians. (I know, politically incorrect but, once again, it's my blog...) Anyway, what I do remember, vividly, is what a big deal everyone made about me inviting Doug - a boy! - over to play. Now, they all knew that I was a tomboy. And they all knew - I think - that this was partly due to the fact that I had an older brother and partly due to the fact that this was just the way I was. (And I say 'was' when what I really mean is 'am'... The story goes that as a 4 year old I pitched a fit when Mom tried to put me in a dress to take me to a party with some friends of the family who had two boys - 'But if I'm in a dress I won't get to be the sheriff!' She relented and dressed me in jeans. Wise woman, my mom. I've been dressing that way pretty much ever since...) Anyway, as I was saying, I was a tomboy in elementary school and it made perfect sense to me that I would be friends with Doug. He liked the same things I liked. And when you're friends with someone, you invite them over, you spend time with them, you hang out... right? Um... in this case maybe no. I got teased about asking Doug over to play. 'Is he your boyfriend?' kind of teasing. Why do people do that? Anyway, I never invited him over again. And he must have moved away (although I'm pretty sure those two things had nothing to do with each other) because I don't remember him being in any of my classes after that... But Doug was my first 'friend' - and by that I mean he was the first person that I chose, all on my very own, to be friends with. I'm just sorry that our friendship couldn't withstand the pressures of the whole 'When Harry Met Sally' expectations. 

Elementary school was not a total wash, however. There was another friend I made there. Barbara. Here's the two of us on a band trip in high school. There's lots of things about Bebo to love... First of all we were born on the same day, in the same hospital, only two and a half hours apart. So, although we didn't really become friends until 1st grade, I like to think we met right then, at the beginning. Anyway, she's the smart, reasoned, careful one. I'm the practical, goofy,  irreverent one. She's the reason not only that I joined the band in 6th grade but that I picked the flute to learn to play - if Barbara was gonna do something then by golly, so was I. She lives in Nebraska now and I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, but she comes home every now and then to visit her mom. It's the kind of friendship where we just pick right up - almost in mid-sentence - as though we've not been apart any time at all. 

OK, now let's jump ahead to college. (High school... hmmm.... that's the subject for a whole 'nother post). Friendships in college - what to say about them? I read something someone else wrote recently that really struck a chord with me - that when you're young you can form close friendships easily because you're not so jaded and careful with your heart. I don't really know if that's true or not, but I do know that I'm still friends with some of my college buddies. Here's Carolyn, who was in band with me...

This was actually several years after graduation when we went back for Alumni Band day at homecoming. My mom had to borrow that tenor sax for Carolyn from our local high school band - she doesn't own one any more. And look at that red hair. Man, I was jealous of that. Still am, in fact.




 Anyway, same deal with Carolyn as with Barbara - don't get to see her all that often but when I do, it's just like old times...








There is one other friend that I made in college that I do get to see on a regular basis. In fact, he's asleep in my bed right now. (And no, I'm not referring to the dog in the picture. Silly.) It's nice, isn't it, when your spouse is also your friend? And look at the two of us there, so young, so innocent, so... skinny. Anyway, he's a keeper. 

What is it that makes one person a friend, someone else an acquaintance, and a third person someone who makes you want to stick a pin in your eye rather than be around them? Damned if I know. Shared interests? Yeah. Similar sense of humor? Check. But there's something more to it than that. Something at once more basic and a lot more important. And a little bit fragile, at least in the beginning. I'm sorry that I let the rest of the world make me feel uncomfortable about my friendship with Doug. And I'm determined never to let that happen again. Friends are important. And when you find one, you should hold on. I could make a list, but you know who you are.